It's been a few weeks since the first question, and the answer stays the same.
"God, I don't understand. Why have you put so many incredible people in my life?"
Anything to draw you to Myself.
(Jawdrop)
"Why" is the beginning to many - maybe most - of my questions. Why is she sick? Why is that really so wrong? Why can't I serve two masters? Why are You allowing this hurricane? Why should any one person go through that much? WHY CAN'T I UNDERSTAND THIS MATH HOMEWORK?!?!?!?
And the answer to all of these (except maybe the last one...although on some occasions...) has stayed the same, breathed through the tatters of my tantrum-tired spirit: Anything to draw you to Myself.
In his book Blue Like Jazz, Don Miller writes, "We dream of Christ's love for His bride reading like Romeo and Juliet; two equals inflamed in liberal love. I think it is more like Lucentio's pursuit of Bianca in The Taming of the Shrew. That is, the groom endearing the belligerent bride with kindness, patience, and love."
It's life-changing, really, when you look at your life as one big love letter. When I'm punished for sin (and sin = anything that stacks a brick on the wall between God and me) or just going through a hard time, it isn't because God is a divine bully and wants to ruin my life. It's because God is crazier in love than Beyonce or anyone else can ever understand. He loves relentlessly, wooing His creation back into communion with Him. Why? Because love desires what is best for the other person, and is anything better than embracing the story for which we were created, a love story that makes Shakespeare and Taylor Swift and Stephanie Meyers (but especially Stephanie Meyers) seem about as knowledgeable on love as a preschooler is on astrophysiology?
And not all of the story is wrought in hardship, either. There are moments of awestruck, grateful giddiness at the unexpected delights hidden like pirate treasure around my life - days of laughter, dandelions peeking through the deep green of the lawn, songs that remind me who I am, quiet mornings alone with ancient King David poetry, and especially the friends who fall like lemonade on my hot-and-tired-and-thirsty spirit. These, too, pull me in closer.
So the point of everything - everything, from the pink-blossomed trees I walk past every morning, to the heartache of losing a friend, to the daily routine that so quickly becomes monotonous - everything is another word in the love letter God is writing to me, laboring repeatedly, relentlessly, redemptively, to draw me to Himself.
This song sums it up pretty well: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0urB9mnCx-A
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
How to Surf in a Hurricane
Hurricane (Hur-ih-keyn) n: a violent, tropical, cyclonic storm of the Western North Atlantic, having wind speeds of or in excess of 72 miles per hour; a storm of the most intense severity.
"A storm of the most intense severity."
I'm in a hurricane right now.
I am rain-drenched and wind-blasted and battle-weary, and my world has been flattened and feels a little bit like this:
Things happen that force you out of your comfort zone. I had typed the words in a message to a friend. But when life gives you a hurricane, you go surfing.
Things are happening that I can't control, and there are choices to be made that will hurt no matter what I choose, and there are wounds too big for me to heal, and I am tempted to despair. The control-freak in me is panicking and worry has been my companion far too often these past few weeks. I've spent nights with little sleep and skipped meals because who can eat when they feel like this, who can stay afloat when the ocean is eating them alive?
Jesus slept soundly through the storm. Jesus ate the meal knowing it would be only a few hours before his friend betrayed him and he would be questioned and tortured and killed. Jesus walked on water too stormy for a boat to cross with ease. Jesus didn't worry. Jesus trusted.
As Ann Voskamp of 1000 Gifts fame says, I have soul amnesia. I get slammed by a wave and forget that my God is the One who soothed the sea to sleep with a sentence, fed thousands with a prayer, and lived among us as the Word. I become disoriented and lose my bearings and everything spins out of control. I forget that I can trust and instead I panic. When the "Peace, be still" finally comes through the whirling rain, it is said to me instead of the storm.
In the movie Soul Surfer, there is a scene where shark-attack-survivor Bethany is talking with her father because she wants to surf competitively, even though she lost her arm. Her father tells her that it won't be easy, and, with an attitude I love, she replies, "I don't need easy. I just need possible."
With God, all things are possible. God knows the plans he has for me and everyone else - plans to prosper and not to harm, plans to give a hope and a future. God is faithful and forgiving and unchanging and compassionate and loving and just and comforting and relentless and powerful and good. All he asks is that I trust. Trust, instead of worry and forget and panic and fear.
Just trust.
That's how to surf in a hurricane.
"A storm of the most intense severity."
I'm in a hurricane right now.
I am rain-drenched and wind-blasted and battle-weary, and my world has been flattened and feels a little bit like this:
Things happen that force you out of your comfort zone. I had typed the words in a message to a friend. But when life gives you a hurricane, you go surfing.
Things are happening that I can't control, and there are choices to be made that will hurt no matter what I choose, and there are wounds too big for me to heal, and I am tempted to despair. The control-freak in me is panicking and worry has been my companion far too often these past few weeks. I've spent nights with little sleep and skipped meals because who can eat when they feel like this, who can stay afloat when the ocean is eating them alive?
Jesus slept soundly through the storm. Jesus ate the meal knowing it would be only a few hours before his friend betrayed him and he would be questioned and tortured and killed. Jesus walked on water too stormy for a boat to cross with ease. Jesus didn't worry. Jesus trusted.
As Ann Voskamp of 1000 Gifts fame says, I have soul amnesia. I get slammed by a wave and forget that my God is the One who soothed the sea to sleep with a sentence, fed thousands with a prayer, and lived among us as the Word. I become disoriented and lose my bearings and everything spins out of control. I forget that I can trust and instead I panic. When the "Peace, be still" finally comes through the whirling rain, it is said to me instead of the storm.
In the movie Soul Surfer, there is a scene where shark-attack-survivor Bethany is talking with her father because she wants to surf competitively, even though she lost her arm. Her father tells her that it won't be easy, and, with an attitude I love, she replies, "I don't need easy. I just need possible."
With God, all things are possible. God knows the plans he has for me and everyone else - plans to prosper and not to harm, plans to give a hope and a future. God is faithful and forgiving and unchanging and compassionate and loving and just and comforting and relentless and powerful and good. All he asks is that I trust. Trust, instead of worry and forget and panic and fear.
Just trust.
That's how to surf in a hurricane.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Me, the Monk...Or, God in Real Life
If I was a guy and Catholic, I would totally be a monk. I realize that this is not a very normal wish for a generally Protestant teenage girl, but it's true. Okay, maybe I do like jeans better than itchy woolen habits, and I am a pretty big fan of tasty food, and I do enjoy not being confined to a monastery for my entire life, but sometimes, when life gets stressful, I envy the monastic lifestyle. Spending the rest of my life meditating, singing, and talking to Jesus and my fellow monks sounds pretty appealing after a long, hard week of the insanity I call my life.
But, obviously, monkhood is not an option. In addition to the reasons mentioned before, the fact is that God has things for me to learn where I am. And where I am right now is often mundane, tiring, and stressful, not to mention distracting.
But God doesn't just meet me when I'm at rest, or when my mind is completely clear, or when I'm doing something great and "spiritual." He wants to invade every moment of my life and transform the ordinary into divinity. God isn't someone who waits at the top of tall mountains for only those with enough time or enough energy or enough whatever to struggle to meet Him; He meets us where we are at and teaches us to meditate in the madness of the mundane.
But, obviously, monkhood is not an option. In addition to the reasons mentioned before, the fact is that God has things for me to learn where I am. And where I am right now is often mundane, tiring, and stressful, not to mention distracting.
But God doesn't just meet me when I'm at rest, or when my mind is completely clear, or when I'm doing something great and "spiritual." He wants to invade every moment of my life and transform the ordinary into divinity. God isn't someone who waits at the top of tall mountains for only those with enough time or enough energy or enough whatever to struggle to meet Him; He meets us where we are at and teaches us to meditate in the madness of the mundane.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
We don't know what to do with love
If you're looking for some solid theological statement or concrete point that will forever change your life, you should probably go read somewhere else. I would suggest the Bible. This post is going to be full of musings that may or may not lead to something useful because that's how I think things through. I'm like one of those fox hounds that runs in circles for a long time before smelling out a trail that leads somewhere, or a gold miner who wanders all over a mountain before hitting paydirt. So consider yourself warned.
At my church, me and my friends like to have what we call Beautiful Wars. It usually goes something like this:
"Mary is the most beautiful person on the planet."
"No, that's clearly not true, because we can all look right over there and see that Kay is really the most beautiful person on the planet!"
"Pffffft, no way! You all just think I'm beautiful because you're glowing with gorgeousness yourselves, and I'm reflecting it back at you."
Winner is whoever has the last word and comes up with the cleverest comeback. Then we all laugh and hug and go get some more of Andy's impossibly tasty soup.
I've tried several times to introduce Beautiful Wars to my school, but it usually ends with a disbelieving stare and stammered, "Ohh, um, thanks, uh, you're sweet." And then there's the can-I-really-keep-the-borrowed-pencil look, the are-you-serious-I-can-share-your-lunch look, the do-you-really-do-think-I'm-smart look, and the do-you-honestly-like-me-and-enjoy-being-around-me look.
I think it's a little strange that all these disbelieving looks come from people who are generally preoccupied with other peoples' opinions of them and getting others to like them. I've watched my friends feed off the security acceptance gives them and watched them shatter without it. But it seems like when I genuinely like something about them, they can't understand or accept it. I'm curious why. I can understand the need for acceptance and the insecurity that naturally comes when people are cut off from an infinite source of, well, everything good. I can understand why we go to each other to try and slake our dry-soul thirst. So when love is given to us, why are we unable to accept it? Why can't we accept the thing we spend our lives searching for?
Maybe it's because we're afraid of coming off as arrogant. Maybe we think saying "thank you" will make it seem like we think we're the coolest people in the history of ever, like we think we're entitled to kindness when deep down we know we're not. That could be part of it.
Or maybe we're just so lost, our compasses pointing so far from True North, that we don't recognize the presence of God as home and we're thrown off when Grace and Love come near. Maybe we've become so accustomed to loneliness and darkness that we're befuddled when we encounter light and friendship.
Maybe it's a combination of everything. Maybe I'm tracking in the wrong direction, panning on the wrong mountain.
I really don't know.
Thoughts?
At my church, me and my friends like to have what we call Beautiful Wars. It usually goes something like this:
"Mary is the most beautiful person on the planet."
"No, that's clearly not true, because we can all look right over there and see that Kay is really the most beautiful person on the planet!"
"Pffffft, no way! You all just think I'm beautiful because you're glowing with gorgeousness yourselves, and I'm reflecting it back at you."
Winner is whoever has the last word and comes up with the cleverest comeback. Then we all laugh and hug and go get some more of Andy's impossibly tasty soup.
I've tried several times to introduce Beautiful Wars to my school, but it usually ends with a disbelieving stare and stammered, "Ohh, um, thanks, uh, you're sweet." And then there's the can-I-really-keep-the-borrowed-pencil look, the are-you-serious-I-can-share-your-lunch look, the do-you-really-do-think-I'm-smart look, and the do-you-honestly-like-me-and-enjoy-being-around-me look.
I think it's a little strange that all these disbelieving looks come from people who are generally preoccupied with other peoples' opinions of them and getting others to like them. I've watched my friends feed off the security acceptance gives them and watched them shatter without it. But it seems like when I genuinely like something about them, they can't understand or accept it. I'm curious why. I can understand the need for acceptance and the insecurity that naturally comes when people are cut off from an infinite source of, well, everything good. I can understand why we go to each other to try and slake our dry-soul thirst. So when love is given to us, why are we unable to accept it? Why can't we accept the thing we spend our lives searching for?
Maybe it's because we're afraid of coming off as arrogant. Maybe we think saying "thank you" will make it seem like we think we're the coolest people in the history of ever, like we think we're entitled to kindness when deep down we know we're not. That could be part of it.
Or maybe we're just so lost, our compasses pointing so far from True North, that we don't recognize the presence of God as home and we're thrown off when Grace and Love come near. Maybe we've become so accustomed to loneliness and darkness that we're befuddled when we encounter light and friendship.
Maybe it's a combination of everything. Maybe I'm tracking in the wrong direction, panning on the wrong mountain.
I really don't know.
Thoughts?
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Carpets, Chaos, and Community
8 years of hundreds of feet (both human and animal), spilled salsa, dropped popcorn, upset grape juice and dirt samples from around the country are detrimental to the health of a carpet. And an unhealthy carpet makes my allergic-to-dust-and-dust-mites mother sneeze, and so, while King Soopers does have a great deal on buying Kleenex in bulk, my dad gave my mom linoleum flooring for Christmas (romantic, right?). For the last few days we have been hard at work moving the two couches, TV, bookshelves, dining table, computer desk, and other furniture from the main floor to the basement, and cooking portable meals that can be munched without sitting in chairs.
So with that in mind, maybe this whole carpet-replacing thing is less a disaster and is really an opportunity for some unprecedented adventure.
In other words, we have created the perfect environment for disaster. Our family of ten is confined to an even smaller living space than usual, and both my parents are preoccupied with laying down the flooring as safely, cleanly, and quickly as possible. Tempers are a wee bit explosive right now.
I’m naturally a people person. I love being with people for extended periods of time and anyone will tell you that I have no problems relating to, talking with, and befriending almost every person I meet (to include hippies in Manitou, cashiers at Wal-Mart, kids at playgrounds, waiters in fancy restaurants, Portuguese tourists in Garden of the Gods, and Mennonite farmers in Canyon City). But when I’m at home, I like to calm down, make myself some tea or hot chocolate, and sit on my bed with a book. Alone.
That happens about once every year when the stars align and the rest of my family is gone. When you have 7 little brothers and sisters, you don’t get much time to yourself. Even my rare “quiet time” includes at least two little sisters sleeping or reading in other parts of our room. Normally, it’s even interrupted by a barrage of Star Wars Lego weapons from my two rambunctious brothers.
I love people…but on my terms when I’m ready for them.
But recently (meaning for about the last year), I’ve been learning a lot about living in community and the priceless gift I have been given in my family.
I got thinking about this last year on a rabbit trail when I was irritated with God for sending my best friend to college in Oregon (we can talk about that later). I started daydreaming about how awesome it would be for all my friends and I to build a huge house in the mountains and all live together and have the same fun we always do all the time.
Then God whispered it to me: Why do you think they’ll be any different than the family you have now?
It’s true. “Familiarity breeds contempt,” one of my friends likes to say, and she’s right. The more you get to know someone, the more you see their flaws. It also doesn’t help at all that you’re broken yourself, and the more broken people you have in one place, the more opportunity there is for disaster…and miracle.
I’d also asked God for a myriad of different heart changes – make me more patient, more loving, more understanding, more compassionate, more kindhearted, more gentle, more humble, and did I mention more patient? Teach me how to mediate conflict between people and how to hold my tongue and how to lead people who won’t follow and how to love unconditionally and how to encourage and how to just be like You. And give me opportunities to demonstrate You to people around me.
Someone told me one time, “When you pray for patience, God doesn’t zap you with patience. Instead, He gives you opportunities to practice patience. So be careful what you pray for.”
Wow. I am so slow sometimes.
I had in mind something “bigger” when I prayed for all these things – something that would involve a radical zapping and immediate, permanent change and something amazing and world-changing happening as a result. Red flag of PRIDE?
I didn’t imagine that changes like these are built slowly out of attitudes and choices in the everyday, and that my family is the perfect place to learn. God has a way of doing things backwards from what I would do. Oddly enough, though, His ways always work out, while mine…that’s a bit of an uncomfortable subject.
I realized that I had been viewing my family as annoying interruptions in my life because they frequently got in the way of what I needed to do and what I wanted to happen and what was convenient for me. How low is that: to see people God created in His image as interruptions because they interfered with what I wanted? Of course I said I loved them all and I would do anything for them…but my actions didn’t reflect that at all.
That realization was really the only thing I needed. It was easy to show love and appreciation afterwards, simply by playing Frisbee with my brother, or thanking my sister for making dinner, or listening to her favorite music instead of mine, or asking how she’s really doing, or even just telling her that I like her scarf.
And it’s crazy how much I was missing. Who knew that my family was so much fun? Or that my sisters are so wise and would become my best friends? Or that my brother has a non-gross sense of humor and likes watching Pixar movies with me? Or that in middle school my dad got dared to ride a cow (you should ask him about that one, by the way)? So with that in mind, maybe this whole carpet-replacing thing is less a disaster and is really an opportunity for some unprecedented adventure.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Burn Out Bright!
There's no question about it - Switchfoot is definitely my favorite band. Their challenging lyrics and God-honoring hearts frequently remind me to examine my own life and ask if I am really changing myself so that I can change the world for God. And who doesn't like singing, guitar-playing Californian surfer dudes? :)
Anyways, I've been listening to one of their songs called "Burn Out Bright" almost every day for the past few weeks. I can't get over the message of this song. The chorus goes like this:
"If we've only got one try,
If we've only got one life,
If time was never on our side,
Then before I die I want to burn out bright."
So often, I forget how short my life really is. David knew what he was talking about when he wrote, "Lord, what are human beings that you care for them, mere mortals that you think of them? They are like a breath; their days are like a fleeting shadow." Yet often I act as if I'm immortal and have time to waste on meaningless existence, just going through the motions of life and never really living. Sometimes I beg God for more time so that I can learn to live before I die.
But the truth is, I don’t need more time; I need to learn to use the time I have been given. I need to fight harder and dream bigger and act sooner and trust deeper and love greater and burn brighter. My life may be a breath, but it is a breath that needs to count for something while it is here.
So with that in mind, I’m looking forward to this next year. I’m grateful that I have been given more undeserved time to live, and I pray that I will use this time wisely and that I will walk through every moment with the realization that it is sacred gift.
Wishing you a wonderful new year,
Sophia
“Be very careful, then, how you live, not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity because the days are evil.” – Ephesians 5:15-16
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uzv4j4tEtvA
Anyways, I've been listening to one of their songs called "Burn Out Bright" almost every day for the past few weeks. I can't get over the message of this song. The chorus goes like this:
"If we've only got one try,
If we've only got one life,
If time was never on our side,
Then before I die I want to burn out bright."
So often, I forget how short my life really is. David knew what he was talking about when he wrote, "Lord, what are human beings that you care for them, mere mortals that you think of them? They are like a breath; their days are like a fleeting shadow." Yet often I act as if I'm immortal and have time to waste on meaningless existence, just going through the motions of life and never really living. Sometimes I beg God for more time so that I can learn to live before I die.
But the truth is, I don’t need more time; I need to learn to use the time I have been given. I need to fight harder and dream bigger and act sooner and trust deeper and love greater and burn brighter. My life may be a breath, but it is a breath that needs to count for something while it is here.
So with that in mind, I’m looking forward to this next year. I’m grateful that I have been given more undeserved time to live, and I pray that I will use this time wisely and that I will walk through every moment with the realization that it is sacred gift.
Wishing you a wonderful new year,
Sophia
“Be very careful, then, how you live, not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity because the days are evil.” – Ephesians 5:15-16
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uzv4j4tEtvA
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
A Word of Welcome
Hello, friend!
Welcome to my blog. I hope that you will find my words an encouragement to you. My goal is for this to be a place of worship and reflection, an online collection of God-stories and lessons learned, that will leave visitors with a sense of edification. I pray that what God does in and through my life will somehow encourage you in your own adventure with Him.
I started this blog for a few different reasons. First and foremost, I want to glorify God, and if He wants to use my words, I'll be happy to have served Him. I've also been taught a lot by reading the blogs of several beloved friends (check out my link page!) and wanted to join their online community. Lastly, God has given me a passion for helping hurting people, so I've signed up to be a Compassion Blogger (http://compassionbloggers.com/) and write at least once a month about ways we can be involved in fighting some of the world's major issues.
Finally, I've been warned about the dangers of blogging, and how it can be tempting to promote myself above God and lose focus of my real purpose behind starting this blog. So I'm asking you to keep me accountable, and let me know if there is anything less-than Godly in my words.
Always,
Sophia
Welcome to my blog. I hope that you will find my words an encouragement to you. My goal is for this to be a place of worship and reflection, an online collection of God-stories and lessons learned, that will leave visitors with a sense of edification. I pray that what God does in and through my life will somehow encourage you in your own adventure with Him.
I started this blog for a few different reasons. First and foremost, I want to glorify God, and if He wants to use my words, I'll be happy to have served Him. I've also been taught a lot by reading the blogs of several beloved friends (check out my link page!) and wanted to join their online community. Lastly, God has given me a passion for helping hurting people, so I've signed up to be a Compassion Blogger (http://compassionbloggers.com/) and write at least once a month about ways we can be involved in fighting some of the world's major issues.
Finally, I've been warned about the dangers of blogging, and how it can be tempting to promote myself above God and lose focus of my real purpose behind starting this blog. So I'm asking you to keep me accountable, and let me know if there is anything less-than Godly in my words.
Always,
Sophia
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