One List I Don't Need

I make a lot of lists because I have a tendency to forget.  I list homework assignments, people I need to call, ideas I have, quotes I like, places I have to go, things I need to pack, and even music I like to listen to.  The previous sentence was a list of lists.  Lists keep me organized and focused, two things I have trouble being. 

A while ago, I thought about making a list of God's characteristics because I'm especially bad at remembering those.  I thought a long, long list of things I know are true of God would help break my cycle of recreating God and stuffing him in a box.  I got a few statements into it: "God is greater than anything around me."  "God's mercies are new every morning."  "God hates injustice."

Those things are true, but eventually I realized that this list thing was kind of weird.  I mean, I don't make lists about any of my other friends.  That would just be crazy.  I don't have to say, "Lexy makes fantastic Cowboy Cookies" or "Mary is a great artist" or "Gabrielle looks like Mandy Moore" or "Autumn has a really sweet car."  I don't make lists about my friends because I know them.  They have a name for people who make lists about other people.  They're called stalkers.

So I've focused on knowing God rather than knowing things about God.  I don't need to make a God list any more than I need to make a Lexy list.  I'm not the best at remembering, but God is very good at reminding.

Enough

Lately, I've been learning that everything in my life that hides under the ugly umbrella of "sin" is really an expression of disbelief - disbelief that God is who He says He is.  If I really believed that God is my source of strength, would I search for security anywhere else?  If I really believed that God will supply all my needs, would I bother to seek fulfillment in something that promises to satisfy, but in reality drains the life out of me?  If I really believed that God's grace is enough, would I cower through the awkward, guilt-ridden stage after He has gently pointed out a(nother) flaw in the dark corners of my heart? 

Time and again, I've asked myself if I really even know God at all.  The walls of my mental God-box begin to rebuild, but before they ever form completely, He does something that smashes the safe, comfortable image I've erected of Him and replaces it with Himself.  It's like He's saying, "This is who I am.  Do you trust now that everything I am is more than enough for you, that the real Me can satisfy every need and desire you have?" 

Always, the answer is yes - I mean, being confronted with a little bit more of who God really is is very overwhelming - but I have a terrible habit of turning back to the things that destroy me, of almost subconsciously replacing the Real God with a monotonous, tame being that looks a lot more like Sophia than it does anything else. 

So how to fix this?  Well, the recent awareness I've gained is definitely a good starting place.  Beyond that, maybe I need to remember the "basics" of prayer and reading the Bible...because how else am I going to get to know the Real God who promises to be my Delight and to satisfy every desire of my heart?  And I will pray with the father who found his last and only hope in Jesus: “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”